I simply don't know how women juggle career and motherhood. I must not be very good at because every little detail in my life is slowing falling apart. In the minor scheme of things, I leave for work with my house looking like this....
and when I get home, the house looks like this.
I don't know about anyone else, but when things aren't at least a little tidy, it makes me feel way more stressed out. I'm not a neat freak, I just like things to be somewhat in their place, so you don't feel like you are wading through junk just to live comfortably in your own house.
There are so many other feelings that overwhelm me at the moment, as well. To best describe how I feel, I'll show you an email I wrote my husband a couple of days ago.
Ok. Sweetheart. I’m TOTALLY losing it. I’m doing both my jobs half as good as I probably could, because I just don’t seem to have enough time or energy to do them both amazingly. I’m dropping the ball in so many areas at work. I’m not able to be part/lead the team very well. I’m forgetting things, or spending too much time on certain things when it isn’t necessary. I don’t have the energy to “go the extra mile” or think ahead and outside the box to make my events extra special. And let’s not forget about being mom/wife (the job I actually love). I can’t get the laundry done to save my life. I have WAY TOO MUCH ironing to do. The kitchen always stinks of dirty dishes. The floors need to be vacuumed and/or swept and mopped. The bathrooms are absolutely disgusting. Mia will need to be snuggled and held after stimulating day at daycare. So that means two/three hours of holding baby time, which I thoroughly enjoy, but can’t get anything else done in that time frame. I already feel like I’m not giving her enough attention to allow her to grow and blossom how she needs too. I don’t have time to clean out Mia’s clothes of those she can’t fit in, in order to make room for the new ones. I barely get dinner done every night. And every time an option to do something fun comes up, I have this internal struggle with all that needs to be done and what I actually want to do. Throw in the fact that there are so many things I want to do with you, or things I want to do for just me. I’d love to sit down and feel like I can just talk to you without there being other things I need to do or feeling extremely exhausted/spent. I would enjoy the opportunity to work out, and not feel like it’s just another thing to cram into a quick evening schedule. I’d love the time to sit down and do some reading…or plant flowers…or anything else fun, but know that everything is already taken care of so it isn’t looming over my head. I’m not complaining…just failing. I can’t do all of this. I can’t be everything to everyone. It’s too much pressure. Too much responsibility. I can’t do it. I’m sorry I’m failing. I’m sorry I’m cracking. I’m sorry I want to scream and through in the towel. I’m so sorry. Please don’t be mad at me.
Like the wonderful husband that he is, he responded gently, encouraging me that, "I am a great woman" and that I'm "succeeding with flying colors." But no one sees the ways I'm truly falling part inside. I can't even enjoy being a mom most of the time, because I worry too much about my other job. The job that, more and more, I dread going to because it takes way too much of the energy I need to devote elsewhere. My loving husband told me that he was "going to try and pick up things around the house like the dishes and other things that need to be cleaned up" which I thoroughly appreciate. He is really trying to help me out which I love. But there is still so many things that I still have to do. Laundry...dinner every night after working 10 hours a day...working out so that I don't feel like such a fatty...taking care of Mia when she wakes up throughout the night...trying desperately to spend the time I need to with the Lord. Mornings prove to be the most difficult, as Mia wakes up for the day around 6:30 am. At that time, I have to leave in about 15 minutes for work, and am not able to devote to her the time she needs. So, instead, she lays there and cries wanting desperately for mommy to play with her or give her a little attention. I do my best, at the expense of being perpetually late to work, but it just isn't the same. My heart breaks watching her crave my attention - or any attention - and she isn't receiving it.
I just can't do both of these jobs much longer. My family is suffering for it - I'm suffering for it - and I'm not going to let my daughter get the short straw. It isn't fair. She didn't do anything to deserve that. She is a beautiful gift that we only have for a short time, and I'm slowly starting to miss it as I learn to just survive the long days.
So, what do I do? How do I learn to juggle everything and not loose myself, my husband, and my daughter in the process? How do I learn to enjoy my life again?
11 comments:
I wrote something very similiar to that just a few weeks ago. Brady has been in daycare since he was 4 months old and he's almost 3, so you would think I'd have this down by now, but I so don't. The older he gets and the busier we are is making things crazy.
Someone told me recently that I'll probably have to lower my standards as far as housework and such go. I hate having dirty dishes in the sink and clutter everywhere. Seriously, I can't sleep at night with the house that way, but I am trying to do less. For example, only dusting every other week instead of every week. You know? The little things like that do add up. Some night we have hot dogs or breakfast for dinner instead of a new recipe that I tried out that took 45 minutes.
Finding time with my little man (and my big man) and God is so hard. I've learned to survive on less sleep. It's hard, but you can do it.
I have so much to say about this! If you want to email me, you can at sjroy@mactec.com. Believe me, I had the very same breakdown just weeks ago.
Hang in there!
Having just gone back to work a few weeks ago, I know that you are really overwhelmed. I was the same way this time last year. It was so hard for me and I wanted to quit my job so badly. But we were not in a situation to where I could do that. I, too, like everything in it's place when I go to bed b/c I stress about it if not.
After a while everything worked itself out. And especially once Karys started moving around and playing with toys. She would sit in the kitchen with me and play while I made dinner. She would play while I cleaned around her. And I was interacting with her the whole time. My husband helping me out around the house and with Karys helped a great deal.
And now I work all day, go work out and then go home, make dinner and still get to spend lots of time with her. We take full advantage of the weekends too. And the older she gets, the earlier she goes to bed (7:30pm currently) so that leaves more time to play before she goes to bed and clean after she goes to bed.
Things will work themselves out. You just have to give yourself the time you need to adjust. It takes a little while. In the meantime, just try to ease up on yourself and enjoy Mia.
Not sure if that helps - but it does get easier. I promise!
I'm going to agree with everybody else. You have to do what is most important, and if your floors don't get vacuumed, but you spend the time with your precious daughter, then so be it.
You daughter won't remember that you waited an extra week to vacuum or that you and daddy had frozen pizza for lunch, but she will remember the times you spent together happy.
As my husband just recently told my sister, "she has really relaxed. You'd be surprised."
You just have to figure out what you can let go of and what you can't. Also, how and where to cut corners (like frozen pizza for dinner). Or maybe, you could put Mia in the bouncy seat/swing or floor time while you get dinner ready. Then, once it's cooked spend that cuddle time.
Also, as far as work goes, I let some things go. I DO NOT take work home with me. Nothing is more important than my family.
It's awesome that you get your M&M days, too. Most moms don't get something special like that.
I don't know if it helps, but remember, you have a young baby and you still have all of the hormones associated with pregnancy/childbirth/breastfeeding. I don't know if we ever really feel adequate at our jobs...sometimes we just keep our heads above water until we get it right!
I fully intended on lurking, but your post compelled me to come out of hiding. I work full-time, and I have two kids (8 and 5)and I can guarantee you this: you are doing a great job in all aspects of your life. Your house will never be completely clean, your guilt will never go away when it comes to your children, and you will never feel like you have the energy to take one more step. I think it's the nature of the beast we call motherhood, but if we just support one another and let everyone know that we, too, are going through the same things, we. will. make it. I truly think it should be mandated that everyone post pictures of their messy houses and their mountains of laundry--just to make us feel better about ourselves. It's not much coming from a stranger, but I hope you let my words sink in. Good luck! ;-)
You are doing a fabulous job!
I have no idea who you or what your job is.
But, you are a wonderful mother and wife.
You are doing exceptionally well at keeping your house clean and taking care of your beautiful daughter.
Don't be so hard on yourself. You can do it.
Stay strong in the Lord and everything will go as planned. Promise.
He will keep you sane. Remember to take time for yourself in there somewhere....and if you have to...quit your job. Family is so much more important, as you know.
Hang in there, sister, I'm with ya.
Lindsey :)
Hi Erin
I am so sorry that you feel like this. I don't have any words of wisdom or answers for you, but I wish I did. Each mother's experience is so unique and what works for one mum, may not necessarily work for the next.
I will pray that you will be guided towards a solution where you can find peace and be content.
Sending you extra hugs
Elise.
Oh Erin, I wished my house looked as clean as yours by the time I have to leave for work! I guess we all have "those days", when it just piles up: laundry, dust, dishes and guilt.
I only work part-time (3 days a week) and find that it works well for me, both financially and emotionally. I still have 'those days" though, I guess it just comes with motherhood.
Tania
Here is a poem that may help.
Babies Don't Keep
Mother, O Mother, come shake out your cloth,
Empty the dustpan, poison the moth,
Hang out the washing, make up the bed,
Sew on a button and butter the bread.
Where is the mother whose house is so shocking?
She's up in the nursery, blissfully rocking.
Oh, I've grown as shiftless as Little Boy Blue,
Lullabye, rockabye, lullabye loo.
Dishes are waiting and bills are past due
Pat-a-cake, darling, and peek, peekaboo
The shopping's not done and there's nothing for stew
And out in the yard there's a hullabaloo
But I'm playing Kanga and this is my Roo
Look! Aren't his eyes the most wonderful hue?
Lullabye, rockaby lullabye loo.
The cleaning and scrubbing can wait till tomorrow
But children grow up as I've learned to my sorrow.
So quiet down cobwebs; Dust go to sleep!
I'm rocking my baby and babies don't keep.
- Ruth Hulbert Hamilton
I just wanted to send you some hugs! Honestly, I'm am so amazed by you! I know what it's like having a new baby and I know what it's like working in the department you are in, and let's just say that I am in complete awe of your ability to do what you're doing. Your house looks better than that of many moms who are home all day long, Mia is such a happy baby - when she looks at you, I can just see the intense love she has for you, and I can tell how much Casey loves and admires you. I know that you feel like your failing, but all of those things are such great successes. Keep going, you are doing such a good job.
One thing that I've found that helps me get things done around the house with a baby that would really love to be held all the time is using some type of carrier. I use either a Moby wrap or a ring sling to carry him snuggled up right next to me just as if I actually had him in my arms. So he getting the close attention that he needs and I'm able to clean or vaccuum or get dinner going. When he has more control of his neck, I'll put him in some outward facing positions so that he can look around and feel more involved in what I'm doing. It seems to work pretty well for me, but I know that some babies don't like being carried that way.
I can just feel your frustration and heartbreak. Just know that, from an outsiders perspective, you are really doing such a good job!
Well, I'm new to your blog and just wanted to say I admire the fact that you take the time for M& M days! Not everyone takes the time for that, and it is so important! Good for you! I also agree that you have to let some things slide w/ the housework and dinner! Like Krystyn said..who cares if you eat frozen pizza sometimes! Good luck and keep doing what you are doing! My baby is 5 yrs old now and I dont know where the time went! Time flies!
Wow... I have to say, this is so close to my experience with the "return to work" I returned from my second maternity leave in December, and I agree - it is so difficult. Especially for the "neat freak" types (of which, I am certainly one as well!). It is true what people say... you do have to let some things go. I remember having coffee with my boss prior to having my son, and she was laughing about how "obsessive compulsive" I was about cleaning and tidiness. She explained how I would have to stop being that way, I remember feeling mortified and thinking she couldn't possibly know me very well, because I would never change. I still LOVE to have a clean house... but I have had to accept the fact that it just can't be that way as much as I would like. At the end of the day, the most important thing is that my babies are well fed, very loved and that my husband and I have a chance to talk, "really" talk... the rest can wait. With work I always want to do an amazing job (I plan events as well) but I can't give what I used to give to my work - it just isn't possible now... I have learned over the past three years to accept that as well.
I know you ARE doing a wonderful job, simply because of the fact that you are concerned about it.
I miss my babies all day - but I have seen how wonderful daycare can be for them. The interaction with other children, the new and stimulating environment...
All of this to say, for what it is worth, I understand.
jbxo
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