**Please note that this email is fully intended to blow off steam and seek council from those who have already taken the path I'm currently walking. I, in no way, am trying to sound whiny or am looking for sympathy in order to set myself above the rest. I completely understand that life can be difficult at times, and I intend to conquer it with grace and wisdom. I will succeed...I just don't know how to at the moment.**I simply don't know how women juggle career and motherhood. I must not be very good at because every little detail in my life is slowing falling apart. In the minor scheme of things, I leave for work with my house looking like this....
and when I get home, the house looks like this.
I don't know about anyone else, but when things aren't at least a little tidy, it makes me feel way more stressed out. I'm not a neat freak, I just like things to be somewhat in their place, so you don't feel like you are wading through junk just to live comfortably in your own house.
There are so many other feelings that overwhelm me at the moment, as well. To best describe how I feel, I'll show you an email I wrote my husband a couple of days ago.
Ok. Sweetheart. I’m TOTALLY losing it. I’m doing both my jobs half as good as I probably could, because I just don’t seem to have enough time or energy to do them both amazingly. I’m dropping the ball in so many areas at work. I’m not able to be part/lead the team very well. I’m forgetting things, or spending too much time on certain things when it isn’t necessary. I don’t have the energy to “go the extra mile” or think ahead and outside the box to make my events extra special. And let’s not forget about being mom/wife (the job I actually love). I can’t get the laundry done to save my life. I have WAY TOO MUCH ironing to do. The kitchen always stinks of dirty dishes. The floors need to be vacuumed and/or swept and mopped. The bathrooms are absolutely disgusting. Mia will need to be snuggled and held after stimulating day at daycare. So that means two/three hours of holding baby time, which I thoroughly enjoy, but can’t get anything else done in that time frame. I already feel like I’m not giving her enough attention to allow her to grow and blossom how she needs too. I don’t have time to clean out Mia’s clothes of those she can’t fit in, in order to make room for the new ones. I barely get dinner done every night. And every time an option to do something fun comes up, I have this internal struggle with all that needs to be done and what I actually want to do. Throw in the fact that there are so many things I want to do with you, or things I want to do for just me. I’d love to sit down and feel like I can just talk to you without there being other things I need to do or feeling extremely exhausted/spent. I would enjoy the opportunity to work out, and not feel like it’s just another thing to cram into a quick evening schedule. I’d love the time to sit down and do some reading…or plant flowers…or anything else fun, but know that everything is already taken care of so it isn’t looming over my head. I’m not complaining…just failing. I can’t do all of this. I can’t be everything to everyone. It’s too much pressure. Too much responsibility. I can’t do it. I’m sorry I’m failing. I’m sorry I’m cracking. I’m sorry I want to scream and through in the towel. I’m so sorry. Please don’t be mad at me.
Like the wonderful husband that he is, he responded gently, encouraging me that, "I am a great woman" and that I'm "succeeding with flying colors." But no one sees the ways I'm truly falling part inside. I can't even enjoy being a mom most of the time, because I worry too much about my
other job. The job that, more and more, I dread going to because it takes way too much of the energy I need to devote elsewhere. My loving husband told me that he was "going to try and pick up things around the house like the dishes and other things that need to be cleaned up" which I thoroughly appreciate. He is really trying to help me out which I love. But there is still so many things that I still have to do. Laundry...dinner every night after working 10 hours a day...working out so that I don't feel like such a fatty...taking care of Mia when she wakes up throughout the night...trying desperately to spend the time I need to with the Lord. Mornings prove to be the most difficult, as Mia wakes up for the day around 6:30 am. At that time, I have to leave in about 15 minutes for work, and am not able to devote to her the time she needs. So, instead, she lays there and cries wanting desperately for mommy to play with her or give her a little attention. I do my best, at the expense of being perpetually late to work, but it just isn't the same. My heart breaks watching her crave my attention - or any attention - and she isn't receiving it.
I just can't do
both of these jobs much longer. My family is suffering for it - I'm suffering for it - and I'm not going to let my daughter get the short straw. It isn't fair. She didn't do anything to deserve that. She is a beautiful gift that we only have for a short time, and I'm slowly starting to miss it as I learn to just survive the long days.
So, what do I do? How do I learn to juggle everything and not loose myself, my husband, and my daughter in the process? How do I learn to enjoy my life again?
Took a nap with Great Uncle Jeff at Great-Grandpa's Birthday Party Bash!
